All-*I*-Can-Eat
<Keep in mind my physical appearance, which is of a short, overweight, dumpy woman with long, straight hair and glasses. Oh, Heidi Klum is SO jealous of me!>
You're probably thinking to yourself about now, "I bet that food is an important part of her life." And you'd be correct. I love food. LOVE it. If every restaurant were all-you-can-eat, I'd never go back home, but just bounce from place to place and consume their specials. LITERALLY bounce, most likely. I love all-you-can-eat places because they're usually cheap and no one cares if you put Jello on top of your baked beans or dip the carrots in chocolate pudding. Not that I DO those things, but there's no such thing as a proper combination of foods at these places.
The trouble with my affection for these places is that I still have to be careful not to end up looking like one of the regulars. If you've been to one of these places, you know who I mean. They're the ones who take up two tables to seat 4 people. They're spreading their massive asses across three chairs each. They need canes to walk lest their shin bones snap in two from the combined weight of their bodies and whatever over-piled plates they're carrying. The Klumps worry about their furniture being broken when these people come to visit. I don't want to end up being mistaken for these people. I don't want to be known by first name by the staff and see my picture in their Eater of the Month gallery. "Uhhh, no, I'm JANE! That woman looks nothing like me!" "Of course not, hon, that was 60 pounds ago, remember?"
So as much as I love all-you-can-eat buffets... and I DO get my money's worth at them... I go maybe every 2 months, hopefully long enough for their long-term memories to fail and replace my face with some other regular. "Isn't that....? Hmmm, she SEEMS familiar. Ah, well, she must be new! Welcome!" |
