I consider myself to be a person of above-average intelligence. I hesitate at the label of genius, though, and before you start rolling your eyes and thinking "Oh, well, isn't SHE humble. We must be honored and pay homage to her magnificent brain and hope she shares some
brains with us." Thoughts of "Night of the Living Dead" aside, I only say that because I've never taken an IQ test, even though my oldest sister insists to this day that we were secretly given such tests while in grammar school. Apparently the entire school had been subjected to knockout gas and given these tests while unconscious, then propped up at our desks so that, when we woke up, we'd think class had just been particularly boring that day. Then the government swooped down and snatched away the tests and kept the scores forever locked away in their vaults, never to be disclosed to those who actually answered the questions. While unconscious.
So I've never taken an IQ test. I've come across people who are members of Mensa, you know, the organization of card-carrying geniuses who get drunk at parties and come to blows over... math equations, I don't know. I've never been. Now granted, some of the people who claim to be Mensans, I'm convinced slept with somebody who had lots of influence. As for me, although I would certainly find it an honor to be able to join, I don't plan on taking the test. Why? I might fail it. Same with an IQ test, although you can't technically fail those, but what if I score a 75 or something? I don't want to take the Mensa test, fall short of whatever their minimum score is, then get shunted off to the wannabe room of other failures. Full of the people who can ALMOST do their own taxes. Who can ALMOST figure out how to change the air filter on their cars. The people with 20 electronic toys in their entertainment centers, and STILL can't figure out how to record or play videos. Never mind the blinking 12:00 thing; my MOTHER can work that out. I dont want the conciliatory pat on the shoulder as they lead me forever outside the club. I don't want to find out how smart I REALLY am. If ignorance is bliss, I'm already in heaven. I'm ecstatically happy in my sad little fantasy world, where I'm smarter than Ben Stein and could sweep Who Wants to Hang Out with Regis for a Million
Bucks, or whatever it's called. Oh, and that Sarah Michelle Gellar and I are like totally best friends and we call each other all the time and stuff? But that's beside the point. I'd be a horrible gameshow contestant. I might actually know most of the answers on Jeopardy, But would NEVER PRESS THAT FUCKING BUZZER FAST ENOUGH. I'd be the one forever pissing off Alex Trebek.
"For 200, this article of clothing worn on the legs is known as a pair of _____, a pair of _____."
BZZZZ!
"Yes, Roger-"
Me: "AUUUUUUGH! OHHHH!! AHHHHH! ALLLMOST! ALLLMOST!"
"<Maramcc>, would you kindly SHUT UP and let him answer?"
"What is a brassiere, Alex?"
"No, sorry-"
BZZZZZ!
"Yes, <Maramcc>."
"PANTS!"
"I'm sorry, you forgot to put it in the form of-"
"AUUUUGH! QUESTION AHHHHH! I SUCK! DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN" ahhh, until Security is called in and I am "escorted" from the studio - WITHOUT being given a year's supply of Turtle Wax, mind you. Which is fine because I don't even know what it's for!
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