This is the first bit of fanfic I wrote about Mara being thrust into the world of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which is one of my favorite shows.  Those who are familiar with my characters, especially their personalities and abilities, have occasionally asked how I resolved the differences between my vampires and those portrayed on the show.  The answer is that I didn't.  Mine are incredibly strong, fast and can change into bats, and I wanted to keep those abilities even in Buffy's world.  They also retain their souls when "converted," which is why they tend to be generally nice people without the anguish and guilt surrounding Angel, for instance.  He committed evil deeds when he had no soul, and is now all sullen because he does now and remembers what he did.  Since mine never lose theirs to begin with, there are no past misdeeds to be mopey about.  Well, no misdeeds on the level that Angelus committed, anyway.

The conceit here is that Buffy exists as a television show in Mara's and Jackie's universe as well as ours.  Jackie loves the show; Mara hates it because it's so violent and full of dark and scary things, and she has small children to worry about.  So what follows would be considered a light-hearted episode of Buffy, I hope, which plays on Mara's and Jackie's reactions to being in a TV show for reasons unknown.

But first, the disclamers:  Mara McCuniff and Jackie Chiu are copyrighted characters of Traci Briery.  Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all characters in the show are copyrighted characters of Joss Whedon, Warner Brothers, 20th Century Fox and whoever else owns them.  I ain't gettin' no money off of these, folks.

Recapping the background:

Mara is 1600 years old and practically the most powerful being on earth, for reasons separate her just being an old fart of a vampire. She's also the nicest person you'd ever want to meet and never watches "that awful show" Buffy. She's tall, slender, blonde, green-eyed (VERY green-eyed - almost unnaturally so), and hasn't lost a bit of her London accent, even after being in America since 1915.

Jackie was converted at age 17 in the 1950's. She's Chinese-American and, although technically a middle-aged woman, tends to slip into a teenaged frame of mind about half of the time. She loves watching vampire movies and TV shows for their sheer comedic value, and likes Buffy most of all. If only Mara would let her watch it whenever she visits…

Which is just what the two were "arguing" about this night. Buffy used to follow a treacly family drama called 7^th Heaven about a minister, his wife, and way too many children. Mara had just subjected Jackie to a full hour of this, then grabbed the remote to switch channels before "that awful show" came on. Jackie protested and tried to grab the remote back. They have a bit of a tug of war, with each one's thumb on the channel changer. Jackie says, "C'mon, Mare, I'm really into this show! You should be, too!"

And a brief flash of light later, the vampires find themselves standing in a cemetery at night. Jackie still holds the remote. She looks at it as though it would somehow present an explanation. They both stand open-mouthed, until a figure leaps out at them from the darkness. Mara reacts the most quickly, and grabs their attacker, dragging it into better light. A ghastly face with red eyes glares at her. And they both recognize the creature. Clearly this is a vampire, newly-risen, very confused and lashing out blindly. They've both been there before. Mara continues holding the vampire still while they attempt to console it, explaining that everything will be all right, his memory will come back soon enough, no need to be afraid…

This is one confused vampire. Afraid?? He just wants to drain them dry! Then a voice calls out behind them "Get away from them!," distracting them all and allowing the vampire to wriggle free. Mara turns to see her new "friend" charging at a young woman! Jackie, who should be helping, just stands and stares, strangely mute and immobile.

Mara grabs the vampire again and scolds him for not listening to her. Just calm down, everything will be all-POOF! and she's more than a little startled that her new "friend" has suddenly turned to a pile of dust. What's left is the young woman still holding out a sharp piece of wood, which had apparently impaled the vampire. Now it's Mara's turn to be dumbstruck. No vampire had ever done that before?!? And certainly not one she happened to be holding onto!

"Are you two okay?" says the young woman, still holding her makeshift stake and looking around.

"What- What- What-" is all that Mara can say, still in shock.

"Oh my God!!" screams Jackie. "Oh- my- God!"

"What?? Are there more?? Where??"

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I don't mean to totally freak on you, but-" Jackie slaps Mara in the shoulder. "This is so cool!! I love your show!! I watch it every week - even the repeats!! Mare - you know who she is, right??"

Mara doesn't, and says so. And their new human "friend" is a bit perplexed.

"Just… calm down, okay?"

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry, Ms. Gellar," says Jackie. "You must think I'm this total psycho fan, but I'm just excited to actually meet you!"

"Meet me? You know me?"

"Jackie, calm down, dear!" says Mara. "I can't explain her behaviour, either, young lady. We should be going now-"

"PLEASE, can I just have your autograph?" says Jackie, fumbling for something to write on to write with. "Mare, do you have a pen? A piece of paper? Anything?"

"You… want my autograph…" says the young lady, throwing a look at Mara, who shrugs.

"Jackie, I don't have anything," says Mara. "And young lady-- that man-- or rather, not exactly a man, but-- he-he-he turned to dust! Right in my arms, he turned to dust!"

"Well, yeah, vampires will do that," shrugs the young woman. "You must be new to Sunnydale."

"Are we on the set??" says Jackie, looking around. "I don't even see any cameras. Have we screwed up a scene? We didn't mean to!"

"But vampires don't--! That is, they don't exist, young lady," says Mara. "Not the way they do in the movies, that is."

"Enough 'young lady,' please," she says. "You sound like my mom in lecture mode. Most people call me Buffy. But if you're both okay, I have to move on. Nice… meeting you two."

"Couldn't I please have your autograph, Ms. Gellar??" begs Jackie. "I even loved you in Scream 2! Oh, wait, no - that I Know What You Did movie. Or-- was it Scream? Sorryyy!"

"Jackie, stop that!" scolds Mara. "Young la-- I mean, Buffy. We're… somewhat out of sorts here. My friend and I aren't exactly sure how we got here. Can you direct us out of town?"

*  *  *

Buffy reluctantly agrees to point a way to the nearest gas station. Jackie's persistence does wear her down, though, and she signs an receipt wedged down in Jackie's pocket - "Love, Buffy Summers. Please get help." Jackie thinks this is the coolest thing she's ever seen, and asks if the rest of the cast are shooting that day. Buffy's (and Mara's) blank stares are enough to silence her, though.

*  *  *

At the gas station, the two learn that Sunnydale has a freeway system unfamiliar to them. And they're told that Los Angeles is several hours away. This news causes them to get to somewhere private, where they can discuss this strange dillemma. Then Jackie points to the remote and insists that they aren't on the SET of Buffy at all - they're in the SHOW Buffy, and the remote brought them there! Mara won't hear of that at all. They are most certainly not in "that awful show" at all, but somewhere.. very odd. Jackie tries to convince her by recapping the events just before they found themselves in the cemetery. She also goes on about how the vampires in Buffy's "world" turn to dust when staked, and Buffy had never heard of a "Ms. Gellar," and-

"Enough!! Jackie, nobody goes into an actual television show, like it's some… other world or something!"

"Then what else could it be? Maybe you had a burp in your power, and what I said was some kind of incantation or wish about how we should 'get into' the show. So now we're literally 'into' the show! We're already both supernatural beings to begin with - is it that much of a stretch for something like this to happen?"

Mara sighs loudly, unable or unwilling to keep arguing about it. She just wants to get home before her husband and children realize she's gone and start panicking. As she was close to doing herself by this time. Jackie insists that they'll be able to find a way home in no more than an hour. After all, this is television. Everything gets resolved in an hour, right? And she knows where they REALLY should be looking for help…

*  *  *

At the library, Giles reads from an ancient tome written in Latin. Willow and Xander wander in and throw witty banter about that no modern American high schooler is capable of mustering. Willow thinks it's "neato" that Giles has old books in Latin, since she wants to master it, too.

Buffy arrives a few minutes later, relating her tale of two very odd women running into one of her slayings, although it WAS nice of the tall blonde one to hold unto the vampire while she finished the slaying. But her crazy Asian friend gave her the willows (no offense meant to her pal). Xander asks if they seemed lost, in need of some manly assistance, and most of all… were they cute?

Giles interrupts the fun and reminds them all that they need to prepare for the coming of The Wretched Ones, who were escaped souls from Hell. They make it a point of wreaking much havoc on The Day of the Wretched Ones, a vampire holiday famous for its… wreaking of havoc. The next few minutes are taken up by the Scooby Gang making bad jokes about reeking and wreaking and…you get the idea.

*  *  *

Down in the sewers, Mara and Jackie trudge through the sludge unhappily - Mara most unhappily of all. This is one of the reasons why she didn't like "this awful show."

"I thought you said we weren't IN the show," says Jackie.

"Frankly, dear, I don't care where we are," says Mara. "I just want to get out of here and back home before the family goes crazy, or before I do. Whichever comes first. And how on earth did we get into the SEWERS, of all places? I don't remember going into any manholes. Do you?"

"No…." says Jackie. "We're supposed to be at the library. That's where everyone hangs out. Someone would be able to help us there. But I'm with you - the sewers?? Maybe we should turn around."

"Too late," says a voice in the darkness. A figure steps into the light. He resembles the poor fellow that "Ms. Gellar" had turned to dust. Red-eyed, fanged… The two vampires looked at one another, not needing to voice what they were both thinking - Was there some sort of epidemic of vampirism in this town?

"Goodness, you startled us!" says Mara, stepping in front of Jackie. "Um…we were just leaving, actually. If you don't mind my saying, I can see that you've 'just woken up,' in a manner of speaking. We understand how it is, since we've both-"

"Mare!"

"-Been in the same situation. You must be very confused right now-"

"Mare!"

"Jackie, please stop interrupting. We want you to know that we can help you. We don’t recommend appearing in public just yet, for instance. Do you… remember what happened to you?"

"Mare, he doesn't want our help! Trust me!"

The male vampire smiles. "You should listen to your little friend… 'Mare.'"

"Now wait a minute," says Mara, seeing that he's starting to move towards them. "We have no quarrel with you… You really don't want to engage us…"

"I think we should run," says Jackie.

"Young man, I'm warning you," says Mara, and ducks as the vampire makes a wide, clumsy swipe at her. She dodges the attack, but doesn't counterattack. He tries again, just as clumsily as before, and she ducks again, this time calling out stern warning after warning to end his attack. Jackie hangs back for a bit, knowing that Mara would disapprove of her joining in the fight. Violence just isn't the answer, after all.

Except when her loved ones are threatened. Frustrated, or perhaps even bored, the vampire turns his attentions now to Jackie, much to both their surprise. She also avoids the vampire's attacks handily, and is about to level him with some moves of her own, when the creature is hauled up off of his feet, then hurled down the dark and murky corridor. Even she cannot see just how far the vampire is thrown, but does hear a splash a few seconds later.

"Mare, c'mon, I wanted to wipe up the floor with him," she protests.

"Enough of this," says Mara. "Let's keep going."

The two vampires run as best as they're able through the dark corridors, finally coming upon dry ground, then what appear to be maintenance hallways. It ends in a door, which is unlocked. They come upon something resembling a very large storage area, with junk everywhere, lofts, rafters, and even a skylight. And even more vampires. They turn to look at their new visitors. Mara and Jackie both take in about four of the blighters.

"I am NOT enjoying myself," whispers Mara to her friend.

*  *  *

Buffy and Angel have a dramatic, heartfelt, heartbreaking scene at the cemetery. He warns her not to underestimate the Day of the Wretched Ones, but flippancy is the Slayer's middle name, as we all know. The two slay a vampire together, then lose themselves in smoochies.

*  *  *

Mara is unsuccessful at preventing their new "friends" from taking a swing at them, leading to yet another brawl very much against the two vampire ladies' wills. It should be noted that Mara, the much much stronger of the two, makes it a point of not striking any of their attackers. Even so, they are no much for by any stretch. In about ten seconds, their assailants have been tossed into far corners of the room and only just starting to get back onto their feet. Then two more vampires come forward into the light. A male - gaunt, pale, with short, blonde, spiky hair, and a female - frail, almost gossamer.

"Spike… Dru…" whispers Jackie to herself. They're REALLY lost now.

"Well, well, well," says Spike. "A few lost souls have made their way to our little clubhouse."

"Spoyyyyyk," says Dru with that annoying lilt of hers. "I looked at the stars, and they fell on me and broke. They weren't happy and turned into mushrooms to hide."

"Uhhhhhhh…." says Mara. "Listen, we've just about had it with being attacked everywhere we go. We have no other wish than to get out of here and get back home. So please direct us to the exit, and we'll be on our way."

"Maybe…" says Spike. "But not before finding out if you two happen to be Wretched Ones."

"I… beg your pardon?"

"We really don't want any more trouble," says Jackie. "And no, we're not 'Wretched Ones.'"

"Ohhhhh, that really is too bad," says Spike. He kisses Dru's hand. "Don't go away, my pet. I'll only be a minute."

"Spoyyyyyk, my little prickly-icklies don't like them."

"Neither do mine, pet."

Spike's leg flies by in an arc, heading for Mara. To his surprise, she's not there when it should be connecting with her head. He hears her voice off to the side. "I told you, young man, we've about had it with you lot!" Spike feels, but doesn't see, a blow to his face. A blur shoots around the room now, felling Spike's lesser compatriots that had just climbed back onto their feet. Only Dru and Jackie are left alone by the invisible barrage. Spike, swaying on his feet, stands face-to-face with Mara again, who suddenly brings her hands up to his chest. Without actually touching him, she causes Spike to rise into the air, where he hovers helplessly.

"I will ask you again, young man," says Mara, very calmly. "Where - is - the exit?"

Everyone in the room, including Dru, points to it.

*  *  *

Giles has set up a slide show in the library. The Guild has apparently collected photographs of the various forms that the Wretched Ones have taken on earth. The slides show grotesque creatures, some not even humanoid. Angel looks as concerned as he always does. Giles tries to explain to all that the Wretched Ones can assume different forms - presumably not the same ones at the same time, nor can they significantly alter their mass, but confirmation on those points isn't available.

"No shots of his vacation in Hawaii, no, not for our friend Giles," quips Xander at one point. Giles remarks that he DOES have vacation slides of Hawaii, but of tribal totems, burial grounds, cave paintings, and so on. For the Guild, of course.

Buffy is ready to fight them, anyway, and wants to go out patrolling some more (do these people's nights EVER end??). Unseen by all, two figures appear at the library's door, which is closed.

"Anyone hear someone knocking?" asks Xander. All turn to look, and there are two faces peering inside, straining to see through the darkness. Giles shuts off his slide show while Buffy checks the door (Angel following and looking very concerned, of course).

"Oh, no," she mutters.

"What is it?" says Angel. "Is something wrong?"

"I hope not," she says. "It's those two weird ladies I told you about earlier!"

To illustrate her point, Jackie smiles and waves at Buffy enthusiastically. Rolling her eyes, the Slayer opens the door a crack.

"Sorry to bug you, Ms… Summers," says Jackie, "But we need your help! All of your help to get out of here! Is that okay? Maybe that's tonight's plot!"

"Uh, yeahhhhh, tonight's plot," says Buffy, opening the door all the way. They enter, Jackie all smiles, especially when she sees Angel. She's so overwhelmed with fan-induced fervour that she can barely speak. Angel looks at her, concerned.

"Can I help you?" says Giles.

"Um, yes, my friend Jackie believes that you can," says Mara, extending her hand and introducing herself. "Jackie, what IS the matter with you?"

"I can't believe how cool this is!" says Jackie. "We're actually in the library! And everyone's here! It is so cool to meet you in person, David-- I mean, Angel! Angel, right?"

"Uhhh… yes," he says, looking concerned. "You… know me?"

"Uhhh… uhh… well, not directly," says Jackie. "Not in person, but I've seen you in action. And Buffy, of course! And-- well, all of you!"

Xander turns to the others. "These two are frightening me. Am I alone in this?" he says in a low tone. Jackie continues her babbling.

"See, Mara and me, we're both vampires, too, and-"

"What?" says Buffy.

"What?" says Angel.

"I beg your pardon?" says Giles.

"WHAT???" says Mara, and pulls Jackie aside. "What are you talking about??"

"Mare, it's okay! Trust me! Guys, it's okay! We're vampires, but like Angel, see?"

"Jackie, stop this this instant!"

"You're under a curse?" asks Angel, concerned.

"You’d BETTER be under a curse," says Buffy, tensing up.

"No, not like that," says Jackie. "We're not-- see, we're not the same KIND of vampires as you're used to."

Mara rolls her eyes and looks away. "I don't believe this-"

"Where we come from, vampires aren’t these evil demonic creatures, but are just like real people! See? But-"

"Like real people," says Buffy.

"Right! With jobs and feelings and-"

"And I suppose you pay income taxes, too?"

"Unfortunately, yes," says Jackie.

"Vampires that contribute to society," says Xander. "How heartening."

"Giles, please let me slay them," says Buffy.

"Now just hold on a moment!!" shouts Mara. "Everyone! You especially, Jackie!"

"But Mare, you don't even watch this show! I'm trying to explain-"

"QUIET!" The booming nature of Mara's voice extending beyond the usual bad acoustics of the library causes everyone to be quiet. She apologizes to the group and drags Jackie outside the library. She speaks more quietly once they're outside, but no less angrily. "Jackie, you've been behaving frightfully throughout this whole ordeal. Taking us into sewers, meeting up with the nastiest people I've ever seen, to say nothing of practically assaulting this poor girl, and now you're blabbing about us being vampires? What has gotten into you?"

"How many times do I have to tell you, Mare - WE… ARE… IN… THE… SHOW. Understand? Comprende? This remote, for whatever reason, has plugged us right into an episode of Buffy. And since you refuse to watch it, you don't know anything about it, so I'm trying to explain things to them the quickest way. Otherwise our 'ordeal' is going to turn into a two-part episode! So will you please let me explain things to them and ask for their help? They're the good guys; the librarian guy is called a Watcher, and he has all these ancient books about magic and stuff like that. So if anyone can help us get back, it's him. So can I talk to them or not?"

"Oh, for goodness sake," sighs Mara. "Fine. Tell them whatever you like. If you're so sure they can get us back to Los Angeles, then let's get on with it, then."

And they do. Jackie explains to them what's happened in her own rambling way. Mara is more surprised than anyone there that the others react with almost.. indifference to their unbelievable story. she doesn't believe it herself, so why are these people so quick to believe her tale of "interdimensional travel," or whatever the librarian called it? Still, what none of them approve of is the concept that their entire existences are not real at all, but are only fictional accounts rendered inert at the flick of the television's power button.

"Demons I can handle," says Buffy. "Things I can beat up. Now you're saying that I have to fight the Nielsens? Uh-uh. Forget that."

"But she says the show IS really popular," chimes in Willow with a smile.

"I guess the biggest question here is, Why are we here?" asks Jackie. "We've been brought in, but that means we have to do something… accomplish something before we can go home. That's how shows like this always work."

"I don't suppose you could drop that whole 'you're just a character in a TV show' thing, could you?" asks Xander. "I have enough trouble with finding my place in this cruel world without that on my head."

"Oh my God!" screams Cordelia. The others react as though something horrible has broken into the library. "I just realized! If I'm on TV, I must be on tape, and video always adds 10 pounds on me! And me wearing a light color! Oh my God!" she screams again, then rushes from the library. The others watch her in silence, except Xander, who never shuts up.

"I was going to say something terribly cruel about that, but I think her actions speak for themselves."

"Maybe they're here to help us fight the Wretched Ones!" cried Willow.

"The who?" asks Mara.

This is all that's needed to get Giles started on his slideshow again.

*  *  *

Spike sits slumped over in a chair, brooding. Dru is all but entirely draped over him, letting her fingers run around in his hair. He knows the Wretched Ones are coming, but not when or where. So they have to be those two skirts that came in and trashed the place, not to mention him and his boys, with such ease. But they denied being Wretched Ones. Well, as a demon in his own right, Spike knows that lying is not exactly uncommon.

"Well, that's it, then," he says, standing up. "Dru luv - you stay behind. I'll find those two ladies and make them a deal."

"Spoyyyyk, my tummy hurts when the daffodils don't bloom," says Dru. Usually he can almost understand her nonsensical blathering, but this one stops him short.

"Um… right, luv. I'm sorry to hear that."

"Will they be helping you look?" she asks. Spike looks off to where she's pointing, and sees his boys standing six in a row.

"Nah, I'll be-" Then he looks again. Those aren't his boys. No, not a new gang of vampires. This is all he needs. He stands up tall and locks gazes with the newcomers. "Anything I can do for you boys?"

"Not really," says one of them. "We thought you'd like to take a break for the next few days."

"And why would that be?" Spike's REAL "boys," meanwhile, were moving into place behind the new vampires.

"We're not here for trouble," says another. "Just a good time, nothing more. We understand you've got a Slayer in town, too."

"You heard right," says Spike. "But she's mine, so maybe you can find yourself a good time somewhere else."

"On the contrary," says a female one. "A hellmouth… a Slayer… Goth vampires… the atmosphere here is too much to pass up for a bunch of wretched folks like us."

"Wretched folks? The Wretched Ones!?"

"Just thought we'd stop by and say hello, and give a friendly warning as one group of demons to another, to stay out of our way."

"Now wait a minute, lads… and lady," says Spike. "I said the Slayer's mine, and I don't mean for taking out for ice cream. I was hoping to run into you lot as it were. Now I look a good scrap myself, but if I can make deals instead-"

"No deals."

"No deals? To what? How do you know what I-?"

"We make no deals," says one. "We work alone."

"Listen, you," says Spike. "This would go a lot easier if you'd stop interrupting. I'm all for this special night of yours. Hell, I've been looking forward to it. But I'm giving YOU a friendly warning that Sunnydale's mine, and so is the Slayer. Burn down the church and the fire station if you want, but keep out of MY territory. Got that?"

The six Wretched Ones make it clear that they were fully aware of Spike's gang sneaking up behind them. In a blur, they lay into backkicks, spinning kicks, spinning punches, and some attacks that even Spike had never seen before (he being a dirty fighter, too), to take out his gang in a few short bursts. When they were done, they also appeared to him, each one, as something other than a vampire. None could easily be described as anything other than grotesque, misshapen masses of ooze, tentacles, blemishes, scars, mottled skin, scales, hair, wrinkles, fangs, claws, and spines. They shifted each of them between these attributes and textures. Even Dru, fascinated as she is, desires a trip to the porcelain god just from looking at them.

"You, uh…" he says, "I take it you're gracing us with your true forms."

"Correct," says one of them, whose features begin to shift, slowly, then quickly, into a form quite familiar to Spike. His own. "When we feel like showing them, that is," he adds in a perfect mimicking of Spike's voice. It starts walking towards him. Spike then begins feeling… weaker. Weaker with every step of the creature.

"Oh, this has NOT been a good night," he groans, his legs buckling. The Wretched Spike stops about a meter away.

"Here's the deal we'll make with YOU, mate," Wretched Spike says. "You let us have the run of the city for a night or two, and we won't finish off your pals back there, your girlfriend, or you." He grabs Spike's chin and draws him up. Spike's head feels as though on fire, and only his Wretched counterpart is what keeps him on his feet. "And if we take out the Slayer, too, which is part of our plan, anyway, I don't see the problem. We hear you've already bagged two as it is, so let someone else have some fun, roit?"

Wretched Spike lets go or Real Spike, who drops to the concrete floor like a sack of flour. Dru kneels down to cradle him and watch Wretched Spike walk back to his compadres, lighting up a smoke and laughing.

*  *  *

"I know you're going to think I'm totally nuts…" says Jackie to Buffy.

"I already do."

"…But I would SO love to spar with you," says Jackie. "I mean, not like whipping out the stakes and trying to stab each other, but just a friendly match. Please? I can be your workout partner."

"Giles!"

"Um… yes, Buffy," he says, pulling himself away from a delightful conversation with Mara, a fellow Brit.

"Shouldn't I be out patrolling… slaying evil, that sort of thing?"

"I'm afraid I'd rather you didn't," he says. "We need more information about the Wretched Ones."

"I didn't think there'd be ANYthing on the Internet," says Willow, "But I've found 10 sites already!"

"Really?" says Giles. "Any progress, then?"

"Nothing you didn't already show us in your… um… interesting slide show, but I'll let ya know!"

"Excellent, Willow," says Giles. "Do keep at it."

"I can go patrolling with you!" says Jackie.

"Jackie, you'll do know such thing!" says Mara.

"Mare, sometimes you take this den mother thing too far," says Jackie. "I can't tell you enough times how great it is to be in my favorite show!"

"Oh, God, not the TV show thing again," says Xander.

"Well, I'd be delighted to be in an episode of 7^th Heaven, too, dear, but I wouldn't badger the characters. Not to mention the fact that we wouldn't be attacked every five minutes by inhuman beasts that burst into dust when defeated."

"Hey, I said I was sorry about that," says Buffy. "But that's what happens around here."

"And I'm sorry that I'm not as proper and reserved as you are, Mare," says Jackie. "I'm just excited to be here, that's all! The only thing that's making me nuts about this is that I didn’t set my VCR to tape this! God, I hope one of my friends is. Maybe Shawn is! I'll call her when we get out of this!"

"Does anyone else here agree that we've finally found someone who talks more than I do?" says Xander, raising his hand. Jackie waves a finger at him.

"Ahhhhh…." she says. "And onscreen, it's funny, but in person… Well, in real life, you'd get slapped for almost everything you say, dude."

"And that's not true now?"

"Please, everyone," says Giles. "We need to be quiet now and let Willow concentrate."

"Oh, that's okay!" says Willow. "I like all this witty banter! It helps me think! Really!"

Giles mutters under his breath. "Yes, well, so much for that, then." Only Mara and Jackie are able to hear him.

"I do hope that Jackie is right, and that you can help us get home," says Mara.

"Yes, well, that's our second problem, of course," says Giles. "Your remote doesn't--- That is, it appears to be, for all intents and purposes, nothing more than just that. A simple television remote. No magical symbols anywhere that I can find, inside or out. Have you attempted yet to recreate the circumstances under which you arrived here?"

"No, not yet-"

"Mare, I'm sure that we're here to help out somehow first," says Jackie. "I have a feeling that we won't be able to leave for another hour. Or a half hour by this point, I think. Jeez, how long HAVE we been here, anyway?"

"I'm sure it's been several hours."

"Maybe to us, but in-" she lowers her voice - "TV shows-" then brings it back up - "time works differently."

"We appreciate the effort," says Xander, "But yes, we CAN hear you talking about TV."

"Well, how long do you THINK we've been here?"

"I don't know," says Jackie. "10 minutes? 20? 30? How many commercial breaks have there been?"

"So, you're NOT going to stop talking about us as fictional characters," asks Xander. "I'm just getting some clarification, that's all."

Jackie calms down for the first time, and then looks genuinely repentant. "I'm sorry," she says. "I'll stop talking like that from now on. You're all real. All of you. I guess I wasn't thinking of you that way, that's all." She looks up at Buffy. "But I would still… LOVE… to spar with you."

*  *  *

Spike has resumed his earlier position of being slumped over at a beaten up old desk. Dru is draped over him again, fingering his hair. Suddenly Spike slams his hand onto the table and stands up, then paces the room. Dru decides to finger her own hair.

"Tell me, pet," he mutters, "Did someone change the name to the Night of Everyone Kicking Spike’s Arse, but didn’t tell me? I had no problems with them; really I didn’t. But they had to dust my boys and almost dust me. And that doesn’t sit right with me. Dru: my love, my pet… How much do we know about these wankers?"

"Spoyyyyk," moans Dru. "We’re alone. Don’t you want to be alone with me, and with Mr. Wavey?" she asked, holding up half of a severed arm and jiggling it so that the hand appears to be waving at him.

"I always want to be alone with you, pet. But we have a bigger problem, remember? Maybe they only do get one night to themselves, but taking my Slayer, too? Why do they think I’M here, eh?"

"You can always take another," says Dru, stroking his cheeks. "’Wretched Ones, Wretched Ones, stay as you are. Wretched Ones, Wretches Ones, you’ll not go far.’ I made that up from a poem I read in a sneezy old book."

"And it means what, luv?"

"They change, but they don’t have to," says Dru, rolling onto her back on the table. Spike fights the urge to take Dru here and now, and only strokes her hair.

"My dearest Dru," he says. "My love, my pet. You wouldn’t happen to still have this sneezy old book, would you?"

*  *  *

Angel offers Mara and Jackie a chance to crash at his apartment for the day. Buffy allowed this only after they have a meaningful discussion where Angel declares his love for Buffy for all eternity, and with a hot new love ballad playing in the background, yet. Jackie is thrilled at the opportunity to get a closer look at Angel’s apartment "set," but does remember not to make that reference to television. No, their world is quite real -- to them.

Angel doesn’t quite understand Mara’s craving for coffee, and certainly has none to offer. Jackie tries again to explain how their world works. "Vampires are people, too," as she puts it. Most of them work, live in apartments or houses, and most pay taxes. And there are bad apples in their bunch just like amongst humans, but no demonic populations.

"So you have a choice to do good or bad, just like any normal person," says Angel. "There are no demons possessing your body. No… gypsy curses to torment you."

"That’s about it," says Jackie.

"So you… you work as a waitress-"

"And photographer."

"Right," says Angel, "And you-" looking at Mara- "Work as a teacher. But more than that, you’re actually married to a human? A mortal?"

"Yes, I am," says Mara.

"Don’t tell me you have kids, too."

"Yes, we do," she says. "Adopted."

Angel seems to contemplate this for a moment, then: "How? How do you… make something like that work?"

Mara has heard this question a few times before, from her more curious "peers," so she knew only to shrug. "We just do," she says. "I can’t really explain it. Every marriage has a unique set of challenges. That just happens to be ours. But if I may, I’m having some trouble following things here myself. That is, how… things work around here. I don’t understand how having a soul could possibly be a curse."

"It is if you’ve done what I’ve done," he says. "Before my soul was restored, I… did very bad things. I was Angelus, the most vicious, bloodthirsty, twisted… demonic being that anyone had ever seen. I made other vampires look like philanthropists. My specialty was tormenting my victims by destroying everything and everyone they’ve ever known and loved before destroying them."

"Oh, God…" says Mara under her breath.

"So a band of gypsies caught up with me years later, then restored my soul," he continues. "And with that, the memory of everything I’d ever done. A human soul with the memories of a monster. So you can see how that would be a curse. As Angelus, I may have been an inhuman monster, but I didn’t care. In fact, I enjoyed it. Now I have no choice but to care. And to remember."

"You, um…" says Mara, visibly disturbed. "You remind me of someone I knew a long time ago. Um… I’m very sorry for you. Now… where was I sleeping again?"

*  *  *

Willow spends her lunch hour in the library, logged into the ‘Net once again. Her eyes light up while checking her email.

"Giles!" she calls out. "Giles, I found something! I think!"

"Willow, you needn’t shout," he says, emerging from his office. "This IS a library."

"Take a look at this email I got."

He does, and can scarcely believe what he’s reading. "Who sent you this?" he asks.

"I don’t recognize this address, but I can trace it for you," she offers.

"Yes, yes, please do," he says. "Um… oh, would it be possible for you to um… to print this out?"

"Sure!"

*  *  *

"My family must be going absolutely mad," says Mara. The sun has set once again, and all have gathered in the library after hours. Those not confined indoors during daylight had already gathered together an unusual group of ingredients for… something.

"Mare, I’m sure that we haven’t been gone as long as it seems to us," says Jackie. "You just have to trust me on this."

"Where’s that remote?" she asks.

"Got it," says Jackie.

"Rupert, would you happen to have a television in here somewhere, and if so, may we borrow it?" asks Mara.

"’Rupert’?" says Xander. "Giles, is anyone but your parents allowed to call you that?"

"Xander…… never mind," says Giles. "Yes, there is a television, but it’s actually in the closet and—oh, I’ll just show you."

Giles and the two vampires disappear into his office.

"Is it just me, or do those two get along famously?" asks Xander.

"Who?" says Willow, busy checking their ingredients against the list on her email.

""Our two ambassadors from the British Isles, who else?" he asks. Jackie pokes her head through the doorway.

"Mara is married to a human and has two kids," she says. "In fact, she’s SO married that she and her husband should be the poster couple for happy marriages." Then she ducks back inside.

"Note to self," says Xander. "They have VERY good hearing."

"This is all very exciting here, people," says Buffy. "But this show is about me, and I haven’t done any major slayage in two commercial breaks now."

"Oh, PLEASE, dear heart, even I’m not dumb enough to believe that one," says Cordelia. "I mean, okay, everything in Sunnydale is like some Wizard of Oz thing, but really evil, but that was a movie. Get it?"

"Actually…" says Buffy.

"No, we don’t," finishes Xander.

Cordelia makes a noise indicating disbeliefe. "So you all believe Margaret Cho in there that we’re all in a TV show? Puh-LEEZE. If I were a TV star, I wouldn’t be in a grade Z cheap monster of the week stinker like this. I’d be on something MUCH cooler. Like on MTV."

"You’re right, Cordelia," says Buffy. "Beavis and Butthead need some fresh blood."

"Gee, what an incredibly witty comeback… NOT," says Cordelia.

"Say, Cordelia, that reminds me," says Xander. "I was meaning to ask how your diet’s going?"

"ExCUSE me," she says. ‘First of all, I’m not on one, and second of all, what tiny little spark in your tiny little brain compelled you to think I should be on one?"

"Nothing," he says. "In fact, you look great. I mean, before you added those 10 or 15 pounds, you were just too skinny. Now you look fine."

"I have not gained 15 pounds, you dweeb! I weigh the same as I did yesterday! In fact, even a little bit less!"

"So you ARE on a diet."

"No, I’m---! Ooooo!"

"No, Xander’s right," says Buffy. "But it’s normal for a TV camera to add 10 to 15 pounds on someone. And the one over there is getting your good side, anyway, so don’t worry about it."

"What one over there?" asks Cordelia. Buffy and Xander lead her to what is unmistakably the lens of a camera, unnoticeable except to the observant.

Inside of Giles’ office, a scream is heard from the stacks. Mara and Jackie are suddenly THERE before Giles can finish turning around. The only thing amiss appears to be Cordelia, who is racing for the exit. "Goodness, what happened here?" asks Mara. "Is she all right?"

"Oh, she’ll be fine," says Buffy. "She just found a pimple."

Mara’s eyes narrow. The Slayer’s aura flinched at those words - a crackle, and briefly changing colour from light blue to red, then back to light blue.

"Young lady," she says, "Please tell us what actually happened."

"Was that Cordelia?" asks Giles. "Is she all right?"

"We showed her the hidden camera that proves that we’re really characters on a TV show," says Xander.

"Hidden cam-?" says Giles, looking around. "Oh, you mean the security camera? Now that wasn’t very kind of you, was it?"

"No, it wasn’t," says Buffy with a smug smile.

"Erm, well, be that as it may," he says, "Mara’s and Jackie’s attempts to recreate the moment when they arrived have yet to be successful. Now, we understand your need to get home, but we must make the Wretched Ones our priority at this time. I hope you both can understand and appreciate this. They must be stopped by any means possible."

"We understand," says Jackie. "And we’ll help any way that WE can."

"Jackie, now hold on…" says Mara.

"Hold on what?" she says. "We know the plo--- we know what’s going on now. These Wretched Guys are going to wreck the whole town tonight unless we stop them. They’re badass demons."

"I don’t like this," says Mara. "All this… fighting, and violence, and black magic, and demons, and… I gave up violence centuries ago. Almost millennia! Jackie, why couldn’t your favourite show have been Touched By an Angel?"

"Ohhh, I love that show!" says Willow. "Hey, did you see the one where Monica has to be the Angel of Death, because the regular one had to-?"

"Willow!" says Giles. "Yes, we’ve all seen that episode, but time is of the essence!" He moves closer to begin poring over the ingredients and the words for the ritual they are about to perform. "Now if your mysterious source is honest, not to mention correct, this should freeze the Wretched Ones in whatever form they have chosen at the time the ritual is performed."

"Now wait a minute," says Xander. "So we’re going to make some magic whammy that came from someone out of the blue? You get an email from someone you’ve never heard of, and for some reason who knows what we’re looking for, and you’re gonna trust that? Do I have permission to leave the state now?"

"You do not, Xander," says Giles. "It is true that we’re taking a big risk here, but the writings I’ve discovered on my own all but corroborate what we have here."

"’All but’? As in, almost but not quite? And since when do you watch Touched by an Angel?"

"Please! You must all be quiet so that Willow and I can concentrate on our work! Now… Now please step back while we begin this. Thank you, please, thank you…"

"I don’t like this at all," whispers Mara to Jackie. "They’re using black magic! I can’t condone this."

"But they use magic to fight demons and vampires and evil things in general every week!" whispers Jackie back to her. "I know, I know, it wreaks havoc with your being ‘born-again’ and all that, but that’s the way this show is! They use magic when they have to, or the world gets taken over by the hellmouth!"

"A ‘hellmouth’? I don’t believe this," mutters Mara. "Everything about this is like a horrible nightmare…"

"And I’m having a ball!" whispers Jackie. "Remember, I’m in-!"

"-Your favourite show, yes, you’ve said that many times."

"All right, I’ll stop," whispers Jackie. "But I have to ask you. There WILL be a climactic battle at the end between these guys and the Wretched guys. I plan on helping them. What about you?"

"I… Jackie, you know I don’t condone violence…"

"They’re probably not going to give you a choice! We’ll be fighting demons, Mare, remember? Real, straight out of hell demons. You’ll be fighting bad, bad, BAD guys. I don’t know; think of it as doing God’s work."

"I try to do His work without resorting to violence, cub. You know that."

"But doesn’t He want you to destroy evil wherever it is? Doesn’t He want all of us to?"

"I… I won’t be bringing the Lord into this argument," whispers Mara. "If I must fight, He will make it clear to me. I won’t second-guess."

"Yes, well, I believe that should be it, then," says Giles.

"What?" says Xander. "That was it? No big blue tornado? No blinding light? No sparklers or Piccolo Petes to show that you’re done? You read the poem and wave your hand, and no kaboom? Where’s the kaboom?"

"Yes, well, I felt a certain amount of disappointment, too, but we DID follow it to the letter. And I suppose we can only hope that it’s worked."

"NOW can I do some slaying?" asks Buffy.

"Yes, of course, but we need to move in teams," says Giles. "With all due respect, Buffy, I don’t believe you’ll be able to handle these creatures on your own."

"Watch me."

"He’s right, Buffy," says Angel. "Maybe you could take one, or even two, by yourself, but there was half a dozen left last time they were defeated. These are like no other demon you’ve ever seen."

"Sure I’ve seen them," she says. "Giles had a slideshow."

"Buffy… Please, just trust me on this," says Angel. "They’re shape-changers. They can become any kind of creature they want. At least the spell should lock them into their last form. And if that spell didn’t work, and they can still change shape, then we’re all in even bigger trouble. You’re gonna need help, and plenty of it."

"Hey!" says Willow. "I just thought! Um, even if this did work, they probably don’t ever take nice forms, do they? They turn into scary things like velociraptors and stuff, right? Not cute things like puppies or bunny rabbits?"

"I couldn’t do it," says Xander. "I couldn’t kill the Easter Bunny."

"Neither could I!" gasps Willow. "Or a puppy, even if it WAS really a horrible demon puppy. What if-?"

"Will you PLEASE all get going?" says Giles. "Now we’ll form two patrols and…"

*  *  *

The Wretched Ones are enjoying the conflagration they’ve made of the Sunnydale Fire Department. One of them elicits a chuckle from the others by pulling out some raw hot dogs to roast near the fire. They throw some directly into the flames, eat some raw, and throw them at the crowd. The police and the Fire Department have thus far been unsuccessful in containing either the blaze or the demons themselves. They are a motley, but deadly group of mayhem-enjoying beasts. None held the same form as the other, as the rules dictated, which suits them just fine. The gorilla-snake beast wraps its tentacles around an unlucky officer of the law, who had moved in closer in the hopes that his bullets might do some damage. He lifts up the policeman, tears him in half with a horrible rip and a scream that will haunt the others for the rest of their lives, then throws the body into the flames.

A komodo dragon rushes at the crowd of cops, snapping at fleeing legs, injecting its poison into the slow ones. A wasp with a 14-foot wingspan buzzes the crowd, stabbing uniforms and civilians alike with a stinger that leaves a 2-inch hole in its victims. The velociraptor is having the most fun of all, leaping from human to human, ripping and tearing off chunks of flesh and limbs, then leaping to the next one. The Wretched Ones, the most tormented of all the souls in hell, are having a ball.

The citizens of Sunnydale, knowing when they’re licked, run for all they’re worth. The Wretched Ones hold back for a moment, giving them a sporting chance before transforming into whatever will overtake them the most quickly. A moment of their concentration, and… nothing. The gorilla-snake looks at its tentacles, then tries again. He looks at his comrades, who look at one another, and they realize the truth at the same time. The velociraptor lifts up its head and screams in rage.

They are blinded by four bright lights shining into their eyes. Two of those noisy, smelly, ugly fuel-burning things the mortals like so much stop, and some humans emerge from within.

"Oh….Boy…" says Willow as they all take in the damage. "Oh, no, look! One of them DID become a velociraptor!"

"Let’s all, um…" says Giles. "Let’s all be very cautious about this. We don’t know if-"

"Fine," says Buffy. "You be cautious. I’ll go kick some wretched butt."

"Buffy, wait!"

But the Slayer is already running towards the demonic group, followed closely by Angel and Jackie. Mara hesitates to follow, deciding instead to confer with Giles.

"Rupert, what is she doing?? Jackie! Stop! Get back here!"

"Engaging the forces of darkness," says Giles.

Jackie reaches the fray first, being much faster than the others, and is immediately back-handed by the gorilla-snake, sending her flying backwards almost at Giles’ and Mara’s feet. Mara cries out and rushes to her friend’s aid, but Jackie is already getting back onto her feet.

"Okay," she moans. "So they’re tougher than I expected. But that means--- Buffy! Pull back!"

The Slayer does no such thing, and is set upon by the velociraptor, which manages to avoid her attack and slash at her arm, to good effect. Buffy grabs at her bleeding arm and stumbles, but does not fall.

The rest of the Scooby Gang react in horror and surprise, and begin running to their friend’s aid, knowing full well that they are woefully out-matched.

The raptor tenses its legs to leap again, no doubt to make a fatal, or perhaps only just slowly, but painfully mortal, wound to The Slayer, when a blur slams into it, sending it backwards towards the dying embers of the old firehouse. The blur slows down enough to become recognizable as Jackie, who snarls at the beast and squares off.

"You are SO dead," she says.

"Not if you’re first… vampire," growls the raptor back at her, saying the word with utter contempt. With a howl from both, the combatants rush headlong into battle.

"This can’t be happening," says Mara to herself. "This is the most horrible, horrible thing I’ve ever-"

Willow’s scream knocks her from her scattered thoughts. She and Xander find themselves facing a Wretched One that had just emerged from elsewhere.

"No," says Xander. "No, this can’t be. Is anyone or anyTHING going to let me live that down?" he wonders aloud as a 7-foot praying mantis advances towards them. It screeches and slashes at them, just barely missing Xander’s face. "Apparently not," says Xander. He and Willow turn tail and run toward a partially-burnt building next to the fire station, the mantis in gleeful pursuit. Mara is not pleased with this situation at all, and in a blur, she races at the creature, only to be stopped by the gorilla-snake.

Its tentacles whip at her with suitably cobra-like speed, but the attacks only serve to anger her further. With equal speed, she deflects or smashes aside the tendrils, her eyes glowing a deeper red with every passing moment. The gorilla-snake does not slow down its assault, which taxes Mara's patience greatly. She needs to help those two poor teenagers, not tangle with some freak of nature. She begins blocking the attacks with such strength that it causes the creature to spin around. Before it can recover, Mara ceases being on the defensive and smashes her fist across the demon's face with a force that would shatter a concrete pillar. The gorilla-snake is wobbly, but somehow, some way, is still standing. She strikes again from the other side, and anyone watching the battle would have sworn that a spark of electricity erupted from her fist as it made contact. Again and again she pummels the gorilla-snake's face, until it becomes clear that the only thing holding it up are the blows coming at it from side to side. She stops her attack abruptly, and it stands very still. Angel, who had been tending to Buffy, appears at Mara’s side.

"Go," he says. "I’ll finish it off."

There is only a rush of air to indicate that Mara had ever been there. She can hear Willow’s and Xander’s cries of fear from inside the abandoned building. She reaches the door and… is forced back by an unseen barrier.

"Oh, no," whispers Mara to herself. "This is a private--- WILLOW! XANDER! THIS IS MARA! YOU HAVE TO INVITE ME INSIDE! PLEASE INVITE ME INSIDE OR I CAN’T HELP YOU!"

Giles is quite busy with a very angry Komodo dragon. So far he has managed to avoid being injected with its highly toxic saliva, or bitten in two, for that matter, but the beast will get past his makeshift torch soon enough. Angel and Buffy are busy trying to stake a gorilla that is practically armour-plated in its chest, but thankfully has no fight left in it. Jackie is still dancing her deadly tango with a dinosaur, and Mara seeks in vain to rescue her friends from a demonic insect.

From behind, somewhere distant in the sky, Giles hears a humming noise that is rapidly getting louder. Yet he dare not look over his shoulder to see what it is or be at the dragon’s mercy. But this Watcher has learned at least a few tricks from his Slayer. He keeps his attention on the snapping, snarling Komodo dragon, goading it as much as he is able to make the creature lift up its head more, or even sit up, if possible. The humming grows much louder, and his opponent almost seems to be smiling to itself. This is his cue to duck and hurl himself off to the side, letting the enormous wasp, flying with its stinger curved forward, skewer its hellish compadre. The two demons tumble over and over each other, the stinger becoming more embedded as they roll. When they stop, the dragon, enraged beyond all levels of anger, clamps down and bites his fiendish friend in two. The wasp shrieks, quivers, then falls onto the street in two pieces. The dragon itself, now on its back, examines its own wounds. Just one hole, and not at the heart. It would certainly live, and could even keep at tonight’s fun. It struggles to right itself, and lands on all four feet, only to cry out in pain again as the Slayer plunges her wooden weapon straight into its heart through its spine.

"You don't suppose I got the heart, do you?" she asks Angel.

Angel nudges at the lizard, then kicks at it hard. It lies still.

"I think you did," he says. Then he barely manages to catch Buffy as she suddenly swoons—yes, swoons. "Buffy!" he calls out, concerned. She is conscious, but confused and almost frightened.

"What happened?" she says. "I haven’t lost a lot of blood. Why do I-?" She stops and stares off into the distance. Angel does so, too.

"Oh, my God," he says. "What in the-?"

"YES, YES, PLEASE COME IN, BY ALL MEANS, MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME!!" shouts Xander from the second-story window. Mara is inside and racing up the stairs before he even finishes the sentence. She reaches the top and stops in her tracks. Willow has been grabbed by the mantis, and it holds its knife-like appendages over her throat. Its voice clicks as it forces its insectoid mouth to form words.

"Hu-man die," it says. "Rip it to pieces."

"You won’t harm the girl in any way," says Mara. "Or God forgive me, I will rip YOU to pieces."

It chuckles(?) in response. "Suck her bones dry," it says.

No lights are on in the house, but the room begins to glow a soft white. Xander backs away from Mara, and Willow cannot help but swallow and stifle a whimper. Mara begins to glow. The only part of her not giving off light are her eyes, which have grown solid black. Xander swears that he hears a peal of thunder off in the distance.

"YOU WILL LET THE GIRL GO NOW," says Mara, her voice calm, but the words thundering. "OR I WILL SEND YOU BACK TO THE FOUL, STINKING HELL YOU CAME FROM IN SO MANY PIECES, IT WILL BE CENTURIES BEFORE YOU’RE WHOLE ONCE MORE."

There is silence in the room for a moment, and then the creature releases its grip on Willow, who wastes no time making her way back to Xander. They move off to a corner and watch. The mantis, once with the advantage, now shakes with fear and quite literally, prays to Mara for mercy.

"Let her go," it says. "No need to hurt me!"

"WRONG," says Mara, and no one is able to see the actual blow. All Xander and Willow can see is the creature’s head rolling across the floor, and its headless body, oddly enough, staying upright and perfectly still. Then a deadly light show follows as pieces of the insect fly in all directions, torn apart by the flashing claws of the most powerful vampire in existence. In several seconds, there is nothing left of the mantis but two leg stumps, which promptly fall over. Mara turns to Willow and Xander.

"ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?" she asks them. Willow forces a smile.

"Fine," she says. "We're all great."

"Very nice… ripping the bug to pieces action there," says Xander, giving her a thumbs-up.

*  *  *

The threesome step outside into the night air. Mara notices right away how disturbingly calm and quiet it is. Xander and Willow also busy themselves looking for signs of the demons, or more importantly, of their friends. Willow smiles when she spots Buffy standing by herself at the other end of the street. Mara is relieved at this, too, but turns her attention to Jackie, whom she spies lying face down on top of what is hopefully a dead velociraptor. She runs to her friend as the others rush to meet with Buffy.

"Jackie," she says, helping her regain consciousness. "Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry I wasn’t here to help! Are you all right?"

"I will be," she groans, and frowns when she sees upon what she is lying. The raptor, though, is quite dead, covered with its own blood oozing from gaping holes. Jackie suffers some injuries, too, but they are superficial and will heal quickly. Jackie lifts her head and watches Xander and Willow approach their friend. "Mare… Stop them… That’s not Buffy…" she grunts, and points to the Slayer.

"Buffy, are you okay?" asks Willow with a big grin. "Is everyone… else… Oh, no! Giles is hurt!"

"So is Angel," remarks Xander, pointing to the big vampire’s unmoving form off in the bushes. "What happened here?"

"I did," says Buffy, and smashes a fist across Xander’s face. He is out cold before he hits the ground. Willow starts to scream, but is cut short by an equally vicious uppercut to her chin. The Slayer watches her friend fall to the ground, then breaks out into a big, twisted smile.

Mara, engrossed in this horrible display, pulls her attention from Jackie and stands up. If only she’d allowed herself a better look at Buffy; she might have seen what was wrong with her aura. It was black. It gave off a certain light of its own, but the sort one might see coming from a "black light" at Halloween. A normal human’s, including Buffy’s, appears as light blue to Mara and Jackie. One of these demons - one of these "Wretched Ones" - had managed to possess an innocent girl. This does NOT suit Mara well at all, but she dare not use her full strength or power on the Slayer, or destroy the girl as well as the demon inside her.

Mara lets Buffy walk about halfway across the street before starting to walk herself, if only to get some distance away from Jackie.

"Hi," says the Wretched Buffy. "I’m Buffy. I slay vampires. And you’re a vampire."

"Release her," says Mara, her eyes smoldering. "Release the body of this innocent child."

"Release the-?" says the demon, appearing almost confused for a moment, then she smiles. "And why would I do that? Will you kill me if I don’t? Correct me if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t your friend go bye-bye, too?"

"I don’t have to kill her to make you leave her body," says Mara. "In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, I bid thee to depart, demon! In Jesus’ name, return to the fiery pits of Hell!"

Wretched Buffy’s eyes go wide a moment, then the demon leans back and roars with laughter. "A vampire exorcist!" it says. "I’ll die laughing before I get cast out!"

"Dark and dismal beast, I rebuke thee!"

"Stop! Stop it! This is too much!"

"If you do not leave this child, I shall be forced to-!"

"Forced to what?" finishes the Wretched Buffy. "You won’t kill me. You’re one of the good guys. So, vampire… Shall we dance?"

Mara barely avoids the flying kick that Wretched Buffy executes to begin the fight. With water-like fluidness, she flows into one attack after another, kicking, then punching, and sweeping, a flurry of roundhouse kicks followed by a barrage of hammer strikes and knife blows. And Mara remains on the defensive, successfully avoiding or blocking every blow, but terrified to strike back. The demon knows her weakness well. She will not hurt her new friend even if it means losing her own life.

One of the blows does connect, and Mara is sent reeling from the side attack. She wipes at her chin and sees her own blood. Jackie, still struggling to her feet, hears a sound like cannon fire, and all but feels the blow herself. Not one to allow any respite, the Wretched Buffy presses its attack and connects a few more times with equally powerful blows.

"Mare…" Jackies tries to cry out, and fights even harder to stand up. But she has already met the demonic Buffy and lost quickly. This last demon is the strongest of them all, and the fastest. But she has to help her friend somehow.

Mara endures an assault that would take down a charging rhino, but she does not fall. Energy crackles on the demon’s fists, letting out flashes of light with each attack, just as Mara’s had done against the mantis.

Buffy, struggling to her feet, stumbles over to Angel, who is just regaining consciousness himself. She shakes him weakly, but it is enough to bring him around more quickly. He groans, but her attention is diverted by the sounds of a battle not far from them both. A creature that has dared to steal her face is pummeling that blonde vampire. She has to stop the fight - permanently.

"Buffy, don’t," says Angel, reaching out and grabbing her shoulder. "You’re too weak. And just being near her makes you weaker."

"I have to," she says. "She’s killing Mara."

"She’ll only get stronger if you go nearer," says Angel. "If you get too close, it might kill you, and then the Wretched Ones will have won. You have to get away."

"I don’t run from anything," says Buffy, standing up. Angel pulls himself up, too, and tries to hold her back. "Let go of me!" says the Slayer.

"She’s too strong," says Angel. "I can’t let you take her on. See, you’re already getting weaker!"

"No, I’m not!" says Buffy, but Angel is correct. Every step closer to her doppelganger makes her legs buckle and her head heavier. Finally she collapses into Angel’s arms, who is himself barely strong enough to begin dragging her away from the battle scene.

Mara sees two figures in the distance between the hail of attacks. One glows violet and is tall, and the other glows light blue and has light skin and hair. A vampire and a human. Angel and... Buffy!

Mara ducks in time to avoid the Wretched One’s latest backfist attack, and leaps up to deliver an uppercut capable of uprooting a tree. Bleeding and bruised and aching from more than one cracked rib, none of that mattered now, for Mara was free to kill this creature with impunity. Her best friend Jackie, bless her heart, knew all along what her purpose here was - to destroy this stain on God’s earth.

The Wretched Buffy is not felled by the blow, but is indeed enraged by it. It begins a new assault, but is stopped by a flurry of strikes that even it cannot follow, and certainly not block. The demon now knows that Mara had been holding back, but not HOW much she had been holding back. Her movements are faster than any mortal, and even some immortal, eyes can follow. Her hands crack like whips as they break the sound barrier again and again. The Wretched Buffy’s defenses drop completely, leaving it with little more purpose than to be a punching bag.

And suddenly, Mara ceases her attack. She is, unbelievably, unaffected by her own efforts. No rapid or heavy breathing. Not even a bead of sweat. Unlike when protecting Xander and Willow from the giant insect, she is not glowing, nor are her eyes black with rage. The Wretched One, its face covered with its own foul, black blood, forces its swollen eyes open into a slit.

"Yield now," says Mara. "Or be sent back whence you came."

It opens its mouth, and blood pours out, before it croaks its reply. "Heh…" it says. "Have to kill me. Never yield."

"Good," says a similar voice from behind it, "I like it better that way."

The Wretched Buffy tries to turn around, but lacks the strength, but manages to register surprise as a pointed piece of wood is thrust from its chest from behind. It drops, revealing Buffy just behind it, bruised, beaten, and still bleeding from her arm, but looking remarkably cheerful.

"Buffy?" whispers Mara, who is now joined by Jackie.

"The real deal," she says, then there is silence. Mara sees that Angel is helping Willow and Xander back to consciousness, and breathes a sigh of much relief.

"I’ll help Giles," says Jackie, and leaves to do just that. Mara starts to follow.

"Hey," says Buffy. "Thanks. The more you beat on her, the stronger I got. You did good."

Mara is not certain how to answer at first. She had not been aware that she was being tested for worthiness, nor did she care. But the battle is over, and she is emotionally spent. Mara responds not with words, but with a big, heartfelt hug for the Slayer. If Buffy is uncomfortable, she does not show it.

"And this is what you do, day after day, week after week?" Mara asks. Buffy shrugs.

"Something like that," she says. "It’s a destiny thing."

*  *  *

"This HAS to work," says Jackie. "The night is over, the bad guys are vanquished. This HAS to work now."

Mara has her eyes closed, and her lips move in silent prayer. Then she opens her eyes and sighs. Both vampires grab hold of the television remote and look at the horribly staticky image on Giles’ ancient TV.

"Um… ‘c’mon, I’m into this’," mutters Jackie to herself. "No, ‘You should get into this.’ Wait…"

"You said, ‘C’mon, I’m really into this,’" says Mara. "’And you should be, too.’"

"Was that it?"

"Yes, I’m sure it was."

"Ladies," says Giles, his mouth swollen from the cold-cock that Buffy’s double had bestowed upon him. "Shall we try again, then?"

"Yeah, let’s do it," says Jackie. "Wait - Mare, your thumb was touching mine."

"Was it? Oh, all right."

"Okay," says Jackie, and clears her throat. "C’mon, I’m really into this!" she cries. "And you should be, too!"

They wait. The others, watching from the doorway, hold their collective breath.

And nothing.

"C’mon, Mare, I’m really into this!" says Jackie again. "You should be, too!"

They wait, and the television flickers a few times, but no magic transports them back to their world.

"Ahhhh!" cries Mara in frustration, letting go of the remote. "Jackie, what the hell did we do to get here??"

"I don’t know!" says Jackie. "I wasn’t taking notes! Ah, man!" she says as the television’s reception dies completely. It now shows only snow.

"Please, everyone stay calm," says Giles, rising from his chair to address the reception problem. He wiggles the antenna every which way, but cannot bring on a clear picture.

"Giles, you wouldn’t happen to have a TV made AFTER 1950, would you?"

"Xander, please do be quiet," mutters Giles.

"Oh, God, what if there’s something else we haven’t done?" says Jackie. "Mare, what if we’ve become regular castmembers?? --!! Actually, that wouldn’t be too bad…"

"Oh, please, Jackie, do be reasonable!" says Mara. "Rupert, would you mind if I tried? Besides, you should be resting."

"Uh? Oh, yes, yes, of course. Go right ahead," says Giles, and steps aside. Mara grabs the antenna and moves it around a bit, until a perfectly clear, focused image appears.

"Oh, there we are!" says Mara, and goes to stand next to Jackie again. It takes her a moment to notice Jackie’s expression of utter shock. Wordlessly, Jackie lifts her arm and points at the screen.

"Mare…" she says. "That doesn’t happen to look… familiar to you, does it?"

"Does it matter?" says Mara. "As long as---"

She stops, and stares at the image on the screen. It is indeed a VERY familiar scene to her. Her living room. Her living room! As if a camera were placed right in the television set and were peering right back at the chair that she so often sat in to watch 7^th Heaven and Touched by an Angel! Both vampires are so excited, they can scarcely hold onto the remote, but hold it they do.

"That’s the ticket!" cries Jackie. "We had to be looking at where we’re going! We were watching Buffy, so-!"

"All right, yes, I know!" cries Jackie. "Just say it, already!"

"Right, right!" says Jackie, and forces herself to calm down. "Oh, God, this has been the most incredible thing EVER to happen. I’m gonna miss you guys so much! Until next week, anyway!"

"Oh, will you be coming back?" asks Willow excitedly.

"NO!" says Mara. "That is, no, sorry, dear. Yes, it’s all been so lovely here, but we have our own lives to live. This was a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence. Right, Jackie??"

"Huh? Oh, oh, right!" But Jackie hesitates once more, taking the time to wave goodbye to Buffy and her amazing friends. She gives Buffy an especially big smile, then sighs and shakes her head. "Ohhh, it would’ve been SO cool to spar with you," she adds.

"No contest."

"What? No way! I’d-!"

"Jackie!!" says Mara. Jackie reluctantly brings her focus back onto the television and their remote. She shuts her eyes and whispers her own little prayer. "C’mon, Mare," she says, "I’m really into this. You should be, too!"

*  *  *

"I’m gonna miss them," says Willow while pretending to tutor Buffy the next night.

"Who?"

"Jackie and Mara," says Willow. "They were... kinda fun! Weird, but fun."

"Well, I’d have to say it was nice of them to help out," says Buffy. "But making a habit of it? I don’t know if even I could deal with it."

"Why not? Mara beat up the demon Buffy for you. So they were a big help. And we like help, right?"

"Sure," says Buffy. "But we can’t let the cast get too big, can we?"

Willow is quiet at that, and Buffy sees that her eyes have grown wide.

"Kidding!" she says.

"Um.. oh.. of course," says Willow. "But… what if you’re not?"

"Will," says the Slayer, "I WAS kidding."

"No, I meant… what if they were right, and we really are just characters in a TV show? I mean, TV shows get canceled. What if we get canceled? Will we all just… die or something? What happens to old TV characters when their shows get canceled?"

"Relax, girlfriend," says Buffy. "Old characters never die; they just go into syndication. Besides, I don’t buy it. I think they were just whacked. Good in a fight, but loony. Besides, no one would watch a show based on us. It’s too weird. Teenaged girl fights vampires and demons, and is helped by friends and a British guy unaware that other fabrics besides tweed exist. I'd give it… four episodes at most."

"Well, okay," says Willow. "I guess it’s too scary a thing to think about, anyway. Like wondering if we’re all just characters in a story, or that our entire universe exists in some giant’s snow globe, and freaky stuff like that."

"Will… you watch too much TV."

*  *  *

Spike, in high spirits at the news of the Day of the Wretched Ones ending ahead of schedule, nuzzles at Drusilla’s neck. This goes on for some time before Dru points off weakly at a shadowy figure, watching them.

"Well, well," says Spike, watching Angel emerge from the darkness. His boys’ newly-risen replacements start surrounding him, but Spike waves them off and shakes his head. "No need for a scrap just yet, boys," says Spike. "I’m sure Angelus’ visit is for business, not pleasure, am I right?"

"Something like that," says Angel, leveling a steely gaze at the demonic lovers.

"Brought us anything to play with, Angelus?" asks Dru, her head lolling back and forth.

"Not tonight," he says. "I just had a question, Spike."

"Ask it, I’ll answer it, and you’ll get the hell out of here," says Spike.

"Fine with me. That spell to bind the Wretched Ones to their forms. That came from you, didn’t it?"

"Hmmmm, let me think about that one a bit," says Spike, and presses his cheek against Dru’s. "Sure, why not? Sounds like a good idea."

"Why?"

"Now that’s two questions, Angelus," says Spike. "You did promise to bugger off after one, so shoo… shoo…"

"I didn’t promise anything," says Angel. "Just curiosity. But I can take a hint, so…"

"I’m not switching sides, if that’s what you’re wondering," says Spike. "Just protecting my interests, nothing more. You know me; I love a good show of mayhem and destruction more than the next bloke, but to keep me out of it? I just thought I’d throw a wrench in the works. I gave them a chance to work with me, and what do I get? I had to go dig up a whole new gang because of them."

"My heart aches for you."

"Yeah, well, you’re very welcome. But don’t expect any help next time."

"I’d never ask for any."

"Oh, Angelus," says Drusilla. "Such a tease. Do bring something for us next time. Something warm and squishy. Or kicking."

"Yeah, I’ll do that, Dru," says Angel, and turns to leave. The darkness swallows him up as he walks away.

"Not even saying good-bye, eh?" calls Spike after him, then chuckles to himself after Angel does not answer. That Angelus, he thinks. His time will come again.

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The Last Sith