I'm sorry, I can't help it. So I like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. Lately I keep thinking of song parodies about
the show, too. Sigh...
An acquaintance, when told of this, asked if I'm (gasp!) a filker. That stopped me cold.
A filker? The ultimate nerdy, geeky, pseudo-clever-and-giving-talent-a-bad-name fans who write songs about their favorite
shows? Her very question gave me an instant stomachache. A chorus straight from Revenge of the Nerds of "Join us, join
us, join us, HUH! Huh! Huh!" sounded in my head. So naturally I replied "NO!" to her on the flimsy premise
that filkers aren't content to just write their stupid little songs (for some reason, at least one to the tune of The Ballad
of Gilligan's Island. Always), but also to PERFORM them. Yes, at sci-fi/fantasy conventions, and sometimes wearing stupid
costumes. I will never - EVER - do this.
But rather than me the kettle continue calling the filkers (aka the pot)
black, here, then, are my own song parodies about Buffy. Still nothing for Angel. For some reason, almost all are from the
POV of Buffy as opposed to branching out into the POV of, say, Spike or some other fiend. Not sure why that's so. Ah, well.
For those songs that are likely to be too little-known to really enjoy the parody, I included links to get the MP3s,
mainly so you can hear them and get the idea of the tune. Of course I TRUST you COMPLETELY to DELETE them after 24 hours.
Yep.
to the tune of: "We're Knights of the Round Table," from Monty Python and the Holy Grail
I'm Buffy
the Vampire Slayer I'm off to beat the mayor With crossbows, stakes And garden rakes And poison in a sprayer
We fight lots here in Sunnydale We like vamps and scamps and funny tales
I'm Buffy the Vampire Slayer So
e-vil say- your prayers But many times I miss some slimes And my hair gets somewhat greyer It's a busy life
in Sunnydale To make sure the undead get impaled
I'm Buffy the Vampire Slayer Not layer- flayer- or player
I patrol at night And keep things right When evil starts to stray-er It's a wacky life in Sunnydale! Xander
solo: I've got an ingrown toenaaaaaaaaail
Spike (to Dru): No, on second thought, pet, let's not go to Sunnydale.
It is a silly place.
-----------------------------------------
In Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, the spoiled English girl (Veruca Salt, I believe) has a song about how she wants
everything NOW, which she sings to her kow-towing father. My version isn't from Buffy's POV, but mine, since, like Veruca,
I want what many fans want - to be on the show. Nay, for the show to be MINE MINE MINE, mwah ha ha ha...!
I
want them now I want them ALL NOW, Xander and Buffy and Giles who is stuffy and Oz who gets fluffy No, now!
I want me Spike I want Drusilla The Master and Mayor and beating up Faith or the other dead Slayer and..
give them to me.. NOW.
I want the show I want the WHOLE SHOW I want to guest star, no, they'll be
the guest stars Cuz I'll be the big star Rename it My Show Rename it NOW!
I want a stake I
want a crossbow I want to glare at the camera like Buffy while holding a big axe I want a Watcher with oodles of
books about demons and bad dreams And if I don't get the things I am after I'm going to scream!!!!!!
I
want the town I want the WHOLE TOWN I want the Bronze and the library, too, I don't care if it went Boom. RIGHT
NOW!! Don't care how I want it now Don't care how I want it NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWwwwwwwwwwwww---*!!!!!
This is my favorite, I admit. Not because of my oh-so-clever lyrics, but because I really like the original song, "Professional
Pirate," from A Muppet Treasure Island. Tim Curry as Long John Silver sings this ode to the Pirate's Life in what I
consider to be the showstopper of the film. Unfortunately, not many adults HAVE seen this film, but I have, own the video,
and even went to $#@&%in' EBAY to get the soundtrack. Sigh. Anyway, here's my version:
When I was just
a lass, looking for my true vocation My watcher said, now Buff, this choice gets no deliberation You want to be
a slacker, and have no destiny Before I left, here's what the Watcher's Council said to me
Hey ho ho You
need to train her well Or the Master might escape his trap and turn the earth to hell. The Chosen One has all the
skills and strength to do the job Cuz when you're a Professional Slayer Xander: No time to eat kabob! (What?
Just trying to help)
Now take Kendra or Faith - Some fans say they despise them But to some others,
they were heroes And they idolize them
It's how you look at destiny That makes it bad or good And
I see it as keeping us From ending up as food, hup!
Hey ho ho You'll meet fascinating men Like Angel,
Spike, the Master, Luke And Riley, the peahen Them Chosen Ones have trouble finding Boys that stick around
Cuz when you're a Professional Slayer Xander: They end up in the ground! (What? Stop staring at me!)
Willow: I could have stayed with Oz But he just had too much hair
Giles: I could have stayed a Watcher
But I lacked that certain flair
Xander: I could have gone to college But I danced for middle-aged wo-men
Anya: And me? I could have stayed A demon.
Some say that Slayers are killers And should
be incarcerated I say the critics are whirly gits And ought to be placated They never slay the innocent They're
never out of shape They're just about the hottest chicks From the Arctic to the Cape, hup!
Hey ho ho
Right now you're number one So kick and stake, behead and burn And trust me, you'll have fun The Scooby
Gang will help you And wear clothes that never clash Cuz when you're a Professional Slayer
You'll be
strong and brave and brash! And turn the fiends to ash! You'll be loyal and true and think Yahoo When taking
out the trash!
When you're a Professional Slayer You'll al-ways- be- the- one- who's- kick-ing Aaaaaaaaaass!
This one REALLY shows my geekiness to the max. Not only do you have to like Buffy, you also have to like Red Dwarf, an old
sci-fi comedy series made in the UK. In season 7, there was a song that Arnold Rimmer sang (or a fascimile of him made by
Kryten, an android) that summed up Rimmer's enormous ego perfectly. I don't know if it had a real title other than "The
Rimmer Song." So here is... um, "The Buffy Song."
If you're in trouble, she will save the day
She's brave and she's fearless, come what may
Without her the world would get - blown away, She's
Buffy, Buffy, Buffy Summers
Without her life would be a bummer
So demons, come, she'll take all comers
Wait and see, just take a num-ber
Buffy, Buffy, Buffy Summers
She'll never follow Ernest Kummer
More worth to us than a good plumber
Sunnydale should buy her a Hummer
Patrolling ev'ry night to keep the streets evil-free,
Her command of martial arts is un-can-ny
How come she is the Chosen One?
Don't ask me, She's
Buffy, Buffy, Buffy Summers
She once de-feated Satan's drummer
And never, never call her dumber
She will turn you into hum-mous
I included bits in here for pals in the UK, especially those with the BBC and not cable, since the schedules for Buffy differ
for the ones with cable. i.e, the Beeb is notorious for preempting Buffy for, in the words of a native, "snooker and
paint drying." They're also about a full season behind US viewers.
To the tune of "Gangsta's Paradise,"
by Coolio:
As I walk to the hellmouth where the vampires all play I take a look at my stake, and realise I get
to slay Cuz I've been fightin and stakin so long that even the Scooby Gang thinks my mind is gone
But I ain't
never staked a vamp that didn't deserve it They be treating us like food, you know you heard it They better watch
out, they talkin', and where they walkin' Or their homies see the dust and yo, they be balkin' I really hate to fly,
but I gotta patrol In this group I be the one taking up the muscle role, Fool! I'm the one the other Slayers wanna
be like On the streets day and night, making right with Chosen One might
Been spending most our lives Living
in a Slayer's paradise Kill demons once or twice Living in a Slayer's paradise Great ratings make it nice Living
in a Slayer's paradise Bad guys we must excise Living in a Slayer's paradise
I used to hate the situation,
that I be facin' No more slaying for me, let me live a normal life But I gotta be down with the good fight Case
the hellmouth opens up, and the world be overrun, Fool!
I'm a Chosen One with strength and speed like no other Got
a stake in one hand and a crossbow in the other I'm the Slayer, I'm the one who sends vampires running back The Scooby
Gang agrees, I really look good in tanks, Fool I'm 18, may not make it past 19, but I've lived longer than the ones
'fore me thanks to good ratings, Fool!
Tell me why, aren't we- Up to date on the Beeb? Cuz the ones with
Sky Spoil for you and me
Been spending most our lives Living in a Slayer's paradise Evil we slice and
dice Living in a Slayer's paradise And sometimes throw some gneiss Living in a Slayer's paradise No place
for timid mice Living in a Slayer's paradise
Giving up the message Hooray for Slayer Power Week after
week Hour after hour Everybody's slayin', too many characters be playin' what's going on, some episodes got too
many plots, fool! They say I need a Watcher, they think they need to preach me If they don't understand, how can they
teach me? I guess they can't; I guess they won't Looks like the Watchers Council is runnin' outta luck, fool!
Been spending most our lives Living in a Slayer's paradise Just staking won't suffice Living in a Slayer's
paradise Make demons pay the price Living in a Slayer's paradise Roast Mayor tastes great with spice Living
in a Slayer's paradise
Tell me why, aren't we- Up to date on the Beeb? Cuz the ones with Sky Spoil for
you and me
Tell me why, aren't we- Up to date on the Beeb? Cuz the ones with Sky Spoil for you and me
